It was the birthdays of my two little people yesterday and I took some time to reflect….
Nine and seven years ago I was welcoming a teeny tiny baby into my life which would change it forever. Days like these offer an opportunity for reflection for me. Of where I was, what it was like, what it has been and what it is now.
It’s been a ride.
I think as mothers may of us struggle for a really long time. Yet no-one really talks about it openly, or only as needed.
It took me SIX years to settle into being a mum. I had a chat with a friend just the other day who said the same thing. SIX years!
Not a couple of years while they are babies – it’s much longer than that for many. And no-one is doing it alone no matter how much we convince ourselves we are.
Now, as a ‘still losing my shit but mostly content mother’ I experienced a moment of real connection while I was on holiday recently.
I wrote as they slept…..
“I love you beautiful boy, I love you more than you will ever know.”
“I love you beautiful girl, I love you more than you will ever know.”
And then it hit me.
These two beautiful humans hit me straight through the heart.
Of course they’d always been there, it was love at first sight but it’s like I’ve finally woken up. I’ve finally grown up. I’ve finally grown into the Mother I had become within the Woman that I am.
I battled that for a really long time.
There has been many battles fought within. Wins, loses and many many learnings.
From the 27year old that I was, with a newborn son in my arms, still not sure who “I” was or where “I” stood in the world – now someone would call me ‘Mum’?!?
To the 36year old I am now, with all the experience and love and loss and fight and pain and wonder and self discovery and acceptance.
Now I know these two beautiful human are here for me to hold and guide for a while. They don’t belong to me but my purpose is to pass on everything I wish for them to learn and become by learning and becoming everything I would be proud for them to be.
Now I know this more deeply than ever before. And in turn they guide me.
We become parents yet we still have so much to learn for ourselves. We attempt to guide them yet we still need guidance.
It’s the deepest kind of love that knows that to ever evolve ourselves allows them the biggest possible opportunity in this world.
“I love you both with all my heart”